Repositories (1)
mitch
7 snippets stored for this repo
ShellI used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!"
I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying "he loves me, he loves me not." Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? "Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty... And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!"
Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fucking big.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament."
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!
Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit's fancy. It's wrapped twice. So you open it... and it still ain't opened. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.
Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn. Because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that's the limit. And then somebody cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you're like "Shit, I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk."
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done... who knows?You know that show "My Three Sons"? That'd be funny if it was called "My One Dad".
I ran some Evian water through a filter... the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure.
I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said "All right, fuck back on."You know that show "My Three Sons"? That'd be funny if it was called "My One Dad".
I ran some Evian water through a filter... the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure.
I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said "All right, fuck back on."
Gel's funny. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up.
When I'm on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else's floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I'm like "You're on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don't think I can ride with you."
I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over."
Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races ... because you would be there fuckin' days.If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking on the sidewalk with him, and he fell... that would be completely unacceptable.
This product that was on TV, it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments... and one complicated payment. We're not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard.
One time I had a Jack and Coke, it had a lime in it, and I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news, man. The next time I'm in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime.
I'm a heroine addict... I need to have sex with women who saved someone's life.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music"... as though there's any other way you can take it in.
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again, he doesn't hear me, so he says "What?!" But really, it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling "That tree is far away!"
My friend came up to me and he said "Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you gotta put a pause in there."